


Sherlock Is An Annoying Berk

by PC_Hopkins (orphan_account)



Series: Texts From Baker Street (and other tales of woe) [1]
Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: M/M, Relationship(s), Strong Language, Texting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-14
Updated: 2012-06-14
Packaged: 2017-11-07 17:42:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,520
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/433722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/PC_Hopkins
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The eponymous hero is, in fact, an annoying berk.</p><p>Or, in which Sherlock is bored, John is unamused, and everyone else cops it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sherlock Is An Annoying Berk

jhn, cn u pik ^ d moo

\- SH

 

??? Sherlock? Is that you?

\- John

 

corZ itz me, itz my ph

\- SH

 

I’m coming home right now.

\- John

 

If I find out you’ve started using again

\- John

 

Or this is for an experiment

\- John

 

Let’s just say you’ll get a lesson in what I learned in the army

\- John

 

laterz

\- SH

 

\---

 

jhn ru cmng home?

\- SH

 

K so twas 4 n xperiment

\- SH

 

neva sed othwz

\- SH

 

u asumed incrrctly

\- SH

 

lik i sed u c bt u neva obsrv

\- SH

 

its ur bggst wknss

\- SH

 

rly ur 2 obvs sumtimes

\- SH

 

i hpe ur nt upst tht i defnded myslf w/ ur pilw

\- SH

 

rly u wre askn 4 it wat was i suposd 2 do

\- SH

 

a cp o tea flyn 2wrds my hed

\- SH

 

had 2 thnk fst

\- SH

 

wll, fster thn nrml

\- SH

 

jhn?

\- SH

 

\---

 

lestrde av u talkD 2 jhn l8ly

\- SH

 

Sherlock?

\- Lestrade

 

ye

\- SH

 

Why are you texting like my daughter does?

\- Lestrade

 

case

\- SH

 

There’re no cases that involve teenagers, though?

\- Lestrade

 

k brd

\- SH

 

… Bored?

\- Lestrade

 

ye

\- SH

 

Ok. Got my daughter to translate; no, I haven’t seen John lately. Why?

\- Lestrade

 

gn frm th flt

\- SH

 

Why?

\- Lestrade

 

cos txtin irittd hm

\- SH

 

Ok. Have you checked his girlfriend’s?

\- Lestrade

 

dsnt hv a gf

\- SH

 

Sister’s?

\- Lestrade

 

wdnt go 2 hrs

\- SH

 

I’m stuck, then. Have you called him?

\- Lestrade

 

lik alwys ye crse

\- SH

 

Are you sure you’re ok? I’ll try calling him for you.

\- Lestrade

 

no im brd wt dnt u ppl undrst& abt tht omg u r al so stpd 182

\- SH

 

My daughter can’t understand that. I’ll just assume you were calling me stupid and leave it at that.

\- Lestrade

 

Come over to mine, I’ve got some cold cases somewhere.

\- Lestrade

 

no fuk of

\- SH

 

wnt jhn

\- SH

 

gt me jhn

\- SH

 

\---

 

mycroft

\- SH

 

mycroft

\- SH

 

mycroft

\- SH

 

mycroft

\- SH

 

mycroft

\- SH

 

I assume you have an excellent reason for disturbing me right now.

\- M

 

1ly 5 txtz hmm trbl w/ rssn ambsdr??

\- SH

 

No, I thought not.

\- M

 

jhn isnt hre

\- SH

 

Excuse me while I stop the nation.

\- M

 

ooh _tmpr_

\- SH

 

diet nt wrkin?

\- SH

 

mycroft?

\- SH

 

mycroft

\- SH

 

mycroft

\- SH

 

mycroft

\- SH

 

mycroft

\- SH

 

MYCROFT

\- SH

 

I will have your number blocked.

\- M

 

no u wnt

\- SH

 

wat dd i do wrng w/ jhn

\- SH

 

Where does one begin?

\- M

 

Why are you asking me to help your with your emotional crises? Some of us actually do have real jobs.

\- M

 

He’s at a tawdry pub in the West End. Is that enough background for you to go on?

\- M

 

Sherlock, honestly.

\- M

 

ws i mnt 2 lt hm pnch me?

\- SH

 

What you _weren’t_ meant to do was set the Montagu Pyke on fire.

\- M

 

unavdbl it ws ugly nywy did thm a fvr

\- SH

 

No, Sherlock, that was not a favour; that was arson.

\- M

 

sht up

\- SH

 

lik ur 1 2 tlk

\- SH

 

mr lt me set fire 2 da wst wng of fmly mnr.

\- SH

 

at _xmas_

\- SH

 

mycroft?

\- SH

 

jhn’s stll nt hme

\- SH

 

I wonder why.

\- M

 

r u gng 2 hlp or kp being uslss?

\- SH

 

Piss off, brother dear.

\- M

 

prfnd & elqnt – jst lik u

\- SH

 

Says the grown man wasting time annoying others through text messaging.

\- M

 

fuk u

\- SH

 

How profound.

\- M

 

\---

 

jhn?

\- SH

 

jhn im sry

\- SH

 

u dsrvd it tbh bt im sry

\- SH

 

John?

\- SH

 

Look, I've stopped the experiment.

\- SH

 

Results were inconclusive.

\- SH

 

If you cared.

\- SH

 

It's been a whole two days now.

\- SH

 

Are you ever going to get over it?

\- SH

 

We've been through worse.

\- SH

 

Like that time Moriarty nearly blew us up. That was fun.

\- SH

 

Or when he made me fake my own death so I could protect you.

\- SH

 

Or what about that time we were almost killed by that sniper?

\- SH

 

Ah, I look back and laugh.

\- SH

 

PSIS OF U ASBLUOTE BSTAARD U R TEH MIST INFURIATIMG PRTSON O HVE EEVR MTE

FCUK YUO SRHELCK HOMES

\- John

 

piss* off* you* absolute* bastard* you* are* the* most* infuriating* person* I* have* ever* met* fuck* you* Sherlock* Holmes*

A good effort, but it would be more effective if it weren't simply a collection of atrocious spelling errors.

I infer that you are at your sister's getting drunk with her, as I can't find you in any pub.

\- SH

 

oh

\- SH

 

\---

 

Lestrade, I need your help.

\- SH

 

What's up? Finished terrorising people via text, then?

\- Lestrade

 

John still won't talk to me. And yes. The experiment was a failure.

\- SH

 

All test subjects have been highly uncooperative.

\- SH

 

Ah, yeah, I had a talk to him. That's a shame.

\- Lestrade

 

Oi, I hope you don't mean me.

\- Lestrade

 

What did he say? Of course I mean you. But John in particular was most unwilling to cooperate. Your participation was... adequate.

\- SH

 

Something like that you're a right cunt and he's going to kill you and he loved that pillow. He was pretty wasted though. I wouldn’t read too much into the threats.

\- Lestrade

 

Why would he want to kill me? I love him.

\- SH

 

autocorrect

that was autocorrect

i meant like

\- SH

 

Good on you mate.

\- Lestrade

 

Oh, okay.

\- Lestrade

 

I was gonna say you could probably tell him that to cheer him up. And buy him a new cushion, or something.

\- Lestrade

 

You there?

\- Lestrade

 

qskfhaslciabisjsnnllłhgyuikngyÿ

\- SH

 

What???

\- Lestrade

 

No, on second thoughts, don't tell me.

\- Lestrade

 

thaxxxxxxlestsswe uve bb vey hslspful

-SH

 

See this is high up on the list of things I don't need to know

\- Lestrade

 

whakznjjwjwdh njsmketebdnedipóøoqqskaæ

\- SH

 

jesus christ

\- Lestrade

 

assffkldl

\- SH

 

mmmMmmmMmMmMmMjonhnhngg

\- SH

 

STOP

\- Lestrade

 

i'm turning my phone off

\- Lestrade

 

Eiwlajflensmd wkallhkckkkkojhhhhh

\- SH

 

how the fuck do you turn this thing off?????

\- Lestrade

 

\---

 

John, I just played a hilarious joke on Lestrade.

\- SH

 

It will make you not angry.

\- SH

 

Probably.

\- SH

 

DUCK. OFF.

\- John

 

fuck*

\- John

 

No hang on let me try it again.

\- John

 

FUCK OFF

\- John

 

There.

\- John

 

I'm hurt, John.

\- SH

 

:( Look, sad face and everything.

\- SH

 

:( :( :( :( :(

\- SH

 

Also I love you.

\- SH

 

WHAT

\- John

 

that was autocorrect

\- SH

 

I don't know what to say. I've been thinking about us for the past few days, wondering when, if we were going to ever come out about our relationship to everyone else. I love you too.

\- John

 

Oh.

\- John

 

Right well I'm going to go throw myself under a bus now. Goodbye.

\- John

 

No! It wasn't autocorrect! I live you!

\- SH

 

Okay, that time it genuinely was autocorrect. I LOVE you.

\- SH

 

Alright.

\- John

 

Yes.

\- SH

 

Good.

\- John

 

Very.

\- SH

 

I'm not angry anymore.

\- John

 

Except maybe still about the cushion.

\- John

 

I bought you another one.

\- SH

 

Okay. Good. Fine.

\- John

 

Indeed.

\- SH

 

So we're all fine, then.

\- John

 

It appears so.

\- SH

 

My phone's running out of credit.

\- John

 

Come home, John.

\- SH

 

Also, can you pick up some milk? We’re out.

\- SH

 

So romantic.

\- John

 

\---

 

Lestrade, I feel the need to express some form of gratitude for your advice about my predicament. Your suggestions were very effective. Maybe you should consider running a dating site instead of doing detective work. Also, John said I had to apologise for insinuating that he and I were having sex in those texts I sent you. Also, we're having sex.

\- SH

 

go away brother nobody cares

\- Lestrade

 

??!?!!

\- SH

 

STOP. NO. YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED.

\- SH

 

HE’S MY DI. MINE.

\- SH

 

not anymore ;)

\- Lestrade

 

OH GOD

\- SH

 

NO

\- SH

 

NO

\- SH

 

NO

\- SH

 

DELETED

\- SH

 

FUCK YOU

\- SH

 

I’M TELLING MUMMY

\- SH

 

What the hell are you even talking about???

\- Lestrade

 

Oh, Christ. I am never leaving him alone with my phone again.

\- Lestrade

 

… Mummy?

\- Lestrade

 

Hah! I knew he was gay.

\- Lestrade

 

Sherlock, tell your brother he owes me.

\- Lestrade

 

\---

 

I won’t let you get your claws into him. He’s a good man.

\- SH

 

Your concern is touching, but hardly necessary. It is nice to see you are willing to behave slightly more like a responsible adult. If only slightly.

\- M

 

Don't touch him, you'll just hurt him.

\- SH

 

Resentful, aren't we? I do not need or want your advice on this matter. I suppose you've never dreamt of hurting John – oh, wait...

\- M

 

He's not like John.

\- SH

 

No, I daresay not. And I'm not like you.

\- M

 

More than you know. If he so much as looks unhappy even once because of you, I will know, and I will not let it slide. Understood?

\- SH

 

Perfectly.

\- M

 

Now, run along back to your little world and let the grown-ups make their own decisions, hmm?

\- M

 

Even once, Mycroft.

\- SH

 

A warning for _you_ , dear brother: if you tell a soul, I will know, and I will most definitely not ‘let it slide.’ Is that understood?

\- M

 

\---

 

John, where are you?

\- SH

 

Are you stuck with the machine?

\- SH

 

Again?

\- SH

 

Shut up.

\- John

 

And no. Course not.

\- John

 

You are.

\- SH

 

You’re getting the fucking milk next time.

\- John

 

If you insist.

\- SH


End file.
